about kids

i just have a funny feeling, that sometimes i felt like having kids and sometimes i'm not.
thing about kids is that it is not easy to raise one. and most of us who raises one would probably teach their children different way from how they were treated by their parents. well, it is a norm as these childern is our loves one. ofc we want the best for them right?

well i choose to choose that way..
as i grow, i once told myself that i will not use the same method as my parents in term of parenting. but then i asked myself, can they survive in this harsh world if i teach them that way?

during my childhood, i really have a hard time. to tell you the truth, i found it inconvenient when my parents talked about problems(orgossip) in front of us. because that only gives a negative perspective toward us. then i told myself i would never share my problem ever again in front of my kids... but then again. i asked my self. what if they can't survive in this harsh world? as i did not even shared to them the actual story of society or the real problem in life... as you know, the problem my parents told me were partly why i tried to be careful and take precaution steps in life.

THIS IS JUUST SO DAMN HARD T.T

should i just think this through when i act have one? hope it is not too late ;))

just lol

in my life, there are two things that i extremely hate.
first is me myself telling people about my good deeds.
second is people who blame me over nothing. or i blame someone over nothing

tha is the two things i can't withstand it. for the first matter, i just brush it off when people provoke me saying " alah,,, buat kerja rumah sikit je tu pon.. bukan buat ape pon" or "awk dok rumah buat apa eh" with a contrary replied i said "okay, tkpelah... awk tk nmpk" this matter is easy to brush off by thinking they did not know what i did. im not trying to be egoistic or have a huge pride of myself as i know my contributes are nothing. but i just hate seeing myself taking credit for what i did eventho it is provoking. i didn't do it for them. and i hate to justify to other that i did more than that person or what soever. (i even hate people did that to me as well but not as much as i hate mysef doing it. lol when this people do that, all i think about their amount of sincerity on doing something)

but regarding sec matter, i just can't seem to forgive. it is a huge problem for me as i don't want to look at someone with a grudge. but i just can't seem to help it. im a normal human being you know. when they blame me, i will remember it for ever if it is the thing i would not have done. seriously. i even hate blaming others or said that 'you are at fault' when being forgiven is matter more than a stupid fight.
you know what my sister blamed me for making my sis's bed (first daughter) in a mess cause i had ONCE slept on it (during evening nt even at night). then she told me while my bro supported it and be like "angah dah agak dah izzah mmg, tk yah ckp ah" JUST FUCK ASS. BEFORE THIS, my bro had told me that you can't sleep in their bed when they are not there. i said" yes mmg lah, izah mne pnh tidur situ. izah tidur bila along jemput je". then i made a promise to myself that i would not ever sleep on their bed even tho my sis persuade me. since then, mmg i tak tidur. to me, its and insult if one give an advice. that is why i tried to correct it right away. then this one time i slept, SISTER, LOL you know why i slept, cause YOU ARE BUZY CLEANING OUR ROOM with a vaccum. lol. and fyi, i saw you slept there two times in evening i remembered having to wake you up ;). okay that part does not making me angry the angry part is she keep insisting it and said "awk jgn buat buat lupa eh" i know i remembered but at that time it was too sudden and i end up saying " izzah baring sbb nk tgk result". I COULDN'T EVEN JUSTIFY MYSELF. yeah i suck at fight. and my bro supported it you had no idea how angry i am. just,, right now.. could not bring myself to forgive. im sorry. it just too much.

lots of people like to look down on me. belittle me all you want because my capability is more than you think. lol. some people just though they know better than i know myself. when they don't know my capability, sometimes they got mad at me or say mean things. it hurt but i won't back off. your word just aren't worth of mine.

and i also hate when people say they give up on me. i always be and always gonna be remembered the time when a few people in my life gave up on me. i can forgive but i will never forget. if they love me, they wouldn't say they give up on you. and i thank my mum out of all for always says that its too soon for me to give up on my daughter and they are my daughter, i know they can. your words keep me moving forward. im sorry guys if you have to read  this. you can judge me all you want but im super emotional today. all i can do is pray to Allah. who ever read this, pls pray for all ummah in this dunia to obtain hidayah and petunjuk from Allah and to always rely on Allah whether in good times or bad. ;))

just.. just give me a break

i don't know why i prefer writing my feeling here rather than in a book. (yelah, in book nnt my sibing baca, they like to look at ur stuff u know). here, eventho it is publicly publish, i don't mind cos only people yg eager to know me will search for it hehe.

you know what, im just sooo tired, not tired from stuff or humans, just tired of people's hope and reliance on me. it is sooo burden. most of them think im a capable woman, super woman, bagus lah sbb suke tolong, then they hope for more. when i asked them to do it, their replied is that just because u can doesn't mean everyone can do it? " huh, i just want to break off with a LOL out loud. why can't you try? why everything you put a stop by saying, "you can, and i can't, so deal with it". gosh. you know it sound like a compliment ( like kau boleh, aku tk leh,, aku tk hebat cm kau) but it the opposite of compliment. it is more like " kau boleh, aku mana reti, so kau lah buat" like.... if i wasn't thinking about doing it for Allah ( and willingly do it for their sake), i would have done things out of the norm.

 sometimes i just break off from being sadness and act ignorance.sometimes, i pretend to smile just to prevent others from feeling what i feel( where i hate to see them down cos of me). but to tell you the truth, i'm not that strong, i can easily cried silently, i terasa alot. i had lots in mind where i can't put it in words.

basically, i had to rely on my own. cause they rely to me. i rely on my own to the fact when i'm sad, i console myself, to the fact that all my sorrow and disappointment i keep it to myself, and when im happy, i gratitude myself and give credit to myself for what i did. when they asked are you okay, i said "im okay, biasa je" and they compliment me for being so strong. well im just not!!

moral: i maybe complain right now, but i hope as i grow older, i will learn that their reliance on me is much more gift than i think. and hope that they rely on me is not important as long as they are happy. but for now, i just could not be strong enough. the burden is unbearable. just just.... just sighing.
if i want a man, i want a man whom i can rely my feeling to. and help me when i need help. i can be a leader but i need a helper who can help me no matter what. ;))

my university life.

you know what, i remembered walking with my fellow friends and they were talking about me and my twins. one of my guy friends said that "ee comel nye anak kembar" me replying : bende kau ni hahahaha" " tak serius... comel lah tolak due stroller an,, kembar sebelah sebelah.. comel nye"

oh my that is exactly what he said.
hahahaha yg lawak nye i was sooooo cair. HE TALK ABOUT BABIES IN FRONT OF ME...
ok first, guy won't talk stuff like that in front of u "FRIENDS" unless he is matured. (it means this guy already look at the future, mybe he had plan about his own marriage i don't know)

act, this guy i always look at him. die je tk perasan. he couldn't even look at me straight into my eyes for a minute because he was so shy. he talks terketar ketar. u know what i mean? like mcm "eh mana adda lah zai,, eh yeke ye ye eh ye oh aaa aah aah" camtuuu.but seriously he is super cute. one thing about him, he really likes to go to surau. masuk waktu je, he excused himself if necessary and went to surau or masjid to pray. people called him budak cantik cause his proportion figure is on point and perfect.
and bile die gaduh, he tried to state his opinion but terketar ketar tp yg lawaknye kalau die marah, die akan blushing. seriously..

okay,,, WHAT DID I DO IN UNIVERSITY HUH? hahhahaha tgk tgk jugak. but i tried to stay focus and belajar. i regret taking my sis advise on man. she said" eh masuk u cpt cpt kapel. laki byk hot. nnt jimat duit sbb die belanja" bila fikir balik. what a stupid advise. as if the money given from the parents to the guy are for me to use. IDIOT. yeah i called myself idiot. thank god i only hold this advise in asasi. serius dh nyesal. (my sis tk idiot. probably she advised out of joke. but i took it seriously, haihh)

ok back to the guy. my whole class tried to ngeneng ngeneng kan me and this other guy in my class. yeah muka mmg hensem, but thats all. like pnh tak jumpe laki hensem, tp tu je. cm.. tkde ape pon. well, Allah maha kaya. muka hensem perangai mmg tk uhmm. muka biasa ni lah perangai kelakar kelakar hahahaha. tp kan. pompuan muka hensem ni die tk kesah sgt. the important is their personality. this guy that i always look ni die pon apaa lagi. turut sama join lah bahan siss.. haih. but tkpe. i tabah i am strong gitu hehe. i just dont mind cause i dont even like him.

the moral is, there are maybe someone out there that have crush on u without u realise. so boys and girls. ALL OF U U R BEAUTIFUL AND HANDSOME. cayalah... someone ou there mesti wajib will have crush on u and for a moment think u r pretty. seriouslyyy. its the same like how u had crush on someone in silent while there are someone else will have crush on u in silent as well. what u give u get back lah senang cite hahaha. just be confident and be yourself. take my advise and nyah kau dri sini.. cey hahahhaa tkdelah. simpan molek dehh😊😊😊😊