just.. just give me a break

i don't know why i prefer writing my feeling here rather than in a book. (yelah, in book nnt my sibing baca, they like to look at ur stuff u know). here, eventho it is publicly publish, i don't mind cos only people yg eager to know me will search for it hehe.

you know what, im just sooo tired, not tired from stuff or humans, just tired of people's hope and reliance on me. it is sooo burden. most of them think im a capable woman, super woman, bagus lah sbb suke tolong, then they hope for more. when i asked them to do it, their replied is that just because u can doesn't mean everyone can do it? " huh, i just want to break off with a LOL out loud. why can't you try? why everything you put a stop by saying, "you can, and i can't, so deal with it". gosh. you know it sound like a compliment ( like kau boleh, aku tk leh,, aku tk hebat cm kau) but it the opposite of compliment. it is more like " kau boleh, aku mana reti, so kau lah buat" like.... if i wasn't thinking about doing it for Allah ( and willingly do it for their sake), i would have done things out of the norm.

 sometimes i just break off from being sadness and act ignorance.sometimes, i pretend to smile just to prevent others from feeling what i feel( where i hate to see them down cos of me). but to tell you the truth, i'm not that strong, i can easily cried silently, i terasa alot. i had lots in mind where i can't put it in words.

basically, i had to rely on my own. cause they rely to me. i rely on my own to the fact when i'm sad, i console myself, to the fact that all my sorrow and disappointment i keep it to myself, and when im happy, i gratitude myself and give credit to myself for what i did. when they asked are you okay, i said "im okay, biasa je" and they compliment me for being so strong. well im just not!!

moral: i maybe complain right now, but i hope as i grow older, i will learn that their reliance on me is much more gift than i think. and hope that they rely on me is not important as long as they are happy. but for now, i just could not be strong enough. the burden is unbearable. just just.... just sighing.
if i want a man, i want a man whom i can rely my feeling to. and help me when i need help. i can be a leader but i need a helper who can help me no matter what. ;))