fear of failure

right now, i felt like dumbfounded, blank and perplexed.
during my school time, i always compete with my own self before others. because i have this feeling of i can do it if they can do it.
because i believe practice never betray.

but now.. i felt betray. i tried hard, did what i had to do but why some people just don't have to work hard but are in the level with where i i am right now. i tried thinking i did my best, but when i look at others, i feel soo sad, they had more than me even though we work hard together. i know it is rezeki and luck but i really feel crushed! like i asked myself, can i do this? can i be the best in my own field of study? i told my bro that i want to be a dentistry. im not that passionate about being one. i choose this path because i want to challenge myself. i like to communicate with people directly and love to help others who are in need. but he told me "iza, you are not fit to become one, awk tahu jd dentist ni susah, awk ppunye tgn tak seni lah.." i just went blank. i've having a hard time enough to choose my path and yet there are people who would just do that.
lots of people ask betul ke nk jadi dentistry ni. because they look at me like i have no certainty about my career path. truthfully, i want to be a pharmacist. it's because i like things involving colours and mesurement and pharmacist have this weird name they used for medicine which i like. but then my mum wouldn't approve it. she said that  being pharmacist you can't make decision. so she introduce me to medic.. i told her that is the last path i would choose. then she said okay, why don't you be a dentistry? well. ive never though of dentistry before. then i googled up. but takdelah i rasa teruja ke apa. like biasa. but what thrilled me is the surgery they done. the blood part oh my god..... so thrilling!!!!!!! but i asked myself... would i want to be a dentistry? would i want to become a dentistry?

I DOO AND I DOOO.... but you know what's making me pause? terang terang i cakap, i'm not gifted in biology. i tried and tried but my improvement is only a little. i like biology. really i do? i don't hate it. but you know about biology, you felt you write well but your score is too low than you expected. like you never go that bar of yes.. this is what i should get. then... one day, this hatred of bio just come out. i told my friends that i don't want to be a doctor!! never!! or anything related to biology!. i create prejudiced of biology upon myself.
but here i am, applying for dentistry and medic. and i got both offer. im not proud. just grateful that at least i got opportunity. but i'm so damn scared... seriously.... when i look at others. why they are better than me? its okay if i don't work hard and they work their ass off. but in fact, i work as hard as them. my interest in biology is as much as them. why!!!!!!!!!! everywhere i went during my asasi, i would hold and read my biology notes smpi kawan ckp, "kau tkde bende lain ke nk baca.. ashik baca bio je"
BUT WHY MY RESULT IS NOT AS SUPER AS THEIR. WHY MUST I GOT A BIT LESS THAN THEM!!!!!!! WHY!!!!!!!

others subject, i didn't pay so much attention as i know i can do it. (physics especially, i never expect to get A everytime exam. it just too simple and challenging)
you would say im not being grateful... no i am!!! but right now, my path of career is related to biology. i'm scared that because of this subject, i can't help others as much as i can. like i can't give back to the community like i should have. i envy my mum. she can remember medical terms easily and i see her she can do it. well. yes.. im her daughter. i resembled my mum a lot. for instance, in term of stregth, both of us will always got a high score in mathematics ( me i always got high marks in physic while my mum in chemistry). in term of personality, i'm much like her. the difference is that, my mum is so rajin. she can stay studied for hours. while me? i can only sit and study for 30 min, then break then continue ( that my style of study, if i don't do this, i would feel so sleepyyy) and she has so strong daya ingatan. while me? i tend to forget...which is suck.... people would say it's normal but i felt it is a minus point for me. i want to work with people directly. but i can't seem to display my cards if i keep forgetting things. is this my faith? am i choosing the right career path? i just want to be strong....